[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 5 -- BLUE [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.6 18-19 February, 1997 Last updated: 10 May 1997 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org Credits for corrections: Martin Guy, Annette McIntosh and the original script, Jez, TJ, Daniel Noll [------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------] [-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------] [LISTER present, polishing a pair of boots] [Enter KRYTEN] <KRYTEN, noticing what LISTER is doing, stands surprised for a moment before speaking> KRYTEN Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies? LISTER I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more. KRYTEN Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like a - a - zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open. May I ask why? LISTER Apart from anything else it makes y' breath smell like a lift full of senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest. KRYTEN Well, that's never bothered you before, sir..? LISTER Well it bothers me *now*, okay? KRYTEN It's because of *her*, isn't it... 'she who must be drooled over'... LISTER You mean Kris? KRYTEN Whatever *my* feelings, sir, I will *not* be tempted into making petty criticisms of fellow crewmembers. There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream... LISTER 'The salad cream'..? KRYTEN I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the fridge. Then *she* comes on board, and - lo and behold! - it turns up back in the cupboard! LISTER <sarcastic> The first moon we come to - let's dump her! [-- x - Int. Starbug corridor ---------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] KRYTEN And what about the extra laundry? Now there are all kinds of extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket: tights; bras; skimpy vests; little socks - tut, it's a massive extra workload! Frank is very upset. LISTER Frank? KRYTEN The washing machine. I named him Frank, he works better with an identity. And what about the ironing? I mean, *how* do you iron a bra?? LISTER Well, you've gotta take it off first... I spent years practicing that - used to put m' nan's bra around the armchair until I could unhook it with m' left hand. Even now, whenever I see a Parker Knoll I get horny. [-- x - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] KRYTEN But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir? The only way I've found is to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from there. Believe me, on a hot cotton setting it sends my optical systems into leak overload. LISTER Cup. KRYTEN Sorry, sir? LISTER They're not called containers, they're called cups. KRYTEN See? I even have to learn new terminology, special *female* terminology: 'cups', 'pot pourri', 'depillatory cream' - oh! It's never-ending. <LISTER wearily walks to the galley, KRYTEN following> LISTER How come you don't know what bras are? What about the women on the Nova 5? KRYTEN Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie database. I didn't see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering. LISTER Anyway, you can relax, Kryten. She programmed the scan probe last week, and it's returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear. This time tomorrow she'll be back in her own dimension. KRYTEN Well you're surely not upset, sir? LISTER Look, if you've got a problem with *her*, say something to *her*. KRYTEN I think I will! LISTER There's no point whinging to me about it, say it to *her*. [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI Hi guys, how's it going? KRYTEN Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Sleep well? LISTER <to KRYTEN> Coward. <LISTER passes back into the mid-section> KRYTEN <to LISTER> Hypocrite. <KRYTEN too re-enters the mid-section> KOCHANSKI Erm, not great, actually. Had this really weird dream about a monkey being stretched across a tennis court... noise was just unbearable... Where you practising the guitar again last night? <LISTER avoids her eyes, and KOCHANSKI walks over to the galley> KOCHANSKI So, what's for breakfast? <Opens fridge> KOCHANSKI Ah, what's this doing in here? <KOCHANSKI takes the salad cream from fridge and puts it in a coupboard> KRYTEN <to LISTER> Hold me back! *Hold* me back! [-- x - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters --------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN present] KRYTEN Don't you see, sir, these deviations from established Space Corps. drill could put our lives in jeapardy! LISTER She was only drying her tights on the radiator! KRYTEN That's the thin end of the wedge, sir! One day it's drying tights, the next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a newly-formed sun! [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI Er, sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems: all the hazard-approach lights are flashing - KRYTEN All of them? KOCHANSKI Yes, although on this ship that can mean anything from "we're under attack", to "the baked potatoes are burning". [Exit KOCHANSKI] KRYTEN Either way, it's serious. [Exit KRYTEN, LISTER] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT, KOCHANSKI present] [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] CAT Getting a reading... There's something up ahead: a shiny thing, with a long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it. KOCHANSKI It's a phasing comet - velocity 25,000mps. CAT That's what I said! LISTER Kryten? KRYTEN How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my back's turned, the sald cream gets warm. KOCHANSKI Heading straight for it's tail - plotting avoidance course. LISTER What's the problem with going through it? It'll get you home quicker. KOCHANSKI Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart, turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad! CAT Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey stuff in tins? KOCHANSKI [beat] Tins... CAT Maybe we should go around..? LISTER We'll make it - we're a crew - we've been through a few things. Remember when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharmutt II? CAT The one that nearly killed us? LISTER No, the other one! Look, we can make it, okay? KOCHANSKI Do you *know* what a comet is made of? LISTER Are you suggesting that I don't know what a comet's made of? KOCHANSKI Yes. LISTER Well I do. KOCHANSKI So what's it made of? LISTER What's it made of? KOCHANSKI Yes. LISTER You wanna know what it's made of? KOCHANSKI Yes, I do. KRYTEN Ma'am, he knows what it's made of. KOCHANSKI What?? KRYTEN Sir, tell her for goodness sake! KOCHANSKI So, what's it made of? <KRYTEN silently works his mouth, forming the word 'ice' for LISTER> LISTER I see - I see... Gas. Some kind of gas. <KRYTEN buries his head> KOCHANSKI Some kind of gas?? LISTER Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called, some gassy type of gas. KOCHANSKI It's made of *ice*. LISTER Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said: ice, an ice gas. CAT I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit us in about forty-five seconds! LISTER I was only tryin' to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear quicker! So you could get home to your much better Lister. KOCHANSKI And I'm just trying to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like some kind of cosmic seasoning! CAT Here it comes! KOCHANSKI That wasn't forty-five seconds! CAT Oh - sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake! Will people not leave that in here?? It just makes us look like we don't know what the hell we're doing! [comet hit] CAT Lateral trimmers not responding! It's like wrestling in treacle! KOCHANSKI You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle! CAT No, I said they were *down*, then I asked if you like wrestling in -- Anyway... LISTER Damage report, Kryten. KRYTEN Auxilliary flight modulator has short-circuited -- CAT And the chocolate dispensers' ejected all the {someting!} snack bars onto the gallery floor! [model shot] LISTER What's happenned to the stabalisers? CAT Never mind the stabalisers! Where's the hair mousse? KRYTEN Stabalisers very unstable... CAT Thirty snack bars sliding about! LISTER I'm taking over control! <wrestles with controls> LISTER Yeaaaay, what did I tell ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have *control*. KOCHANSKI It's called the free-fall vacuum; we're in-between vapour streams. With a bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its tail. [the second wave hits] KOCHANSKI Or maybe not! If we don't turn around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes! LISTER Kryten? KRYTEN That's a little pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like three! LISTER I think we should turn around... <Starbug survives the wave and flies into clear space> LISTER Pheww... Well, go on, say it. KOCHANSKI Say what? LISTER You know what you want to say. Say it. KOCHANSKI You want me to say it? LISTER Say it. KOCHANSKI You *really* want me to say it? LISTER Go on, say it! KOCHANSKI All right. My Dave would *never* have endangered our crew like that. LISTER You *had* to say it, didn't you. Will you stop calling your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative version of me from a prallel dimension. He's not 'Dave', he's the anti-Lister. KOCHANSKI Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not gonna get to see him. By the time we fix this *mess* I'll have missed the Linkway! [Exit KOCHANSKI] LISTER Coulda got through that if the thrusters had worked... CAT According to the SysComm, the thrusters never worked 'cos we were carrying too much weight. KRYTEN It's Miss Kochanski's *laundry*; why will no one listen to me? Those little whirly things are heavier than they look! CAT Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be jettisoned? LISTER I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air... KRYTEN Er, sir... you didn't *deliberately* damage the ship so that Miss Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..? LISTER No! 'Course not! Look, I'm gonna check out the hold. Rimmer, man, you comin'? <He stops. KRYTEN and CAT stare at him> LISTER Did I say..? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you 'Rimmer', my god! Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself all day? CAT You mean I have a choice?? LISTER Come onnn... Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer'... [-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------------------] [KOCHANSKI present] <knock> KOCHANSKI <wearily> Yesss? [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN As it seems you may be with us for some time, ma'am, I was wondering if I might go through a few 'rules of the ship'? KOCHANSKI Like what..? KRYTEN Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and *not* in the cupboard. Two: Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks belong in the socks drawer. Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple principle obviously needs re-stating... KOCHANSKI Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to explain why my bras come back from the laundry shaped like... like... your *head*..? <KRYTEN studiously avoids her eyes> KRYTEN Three: The toilet seat fiasco -- KOCHANSKI Kryten! I just don't want to hear this! KRYTEN Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's *not* happy... KOCHANSKI Well he's not the only one! Do you think I *like* flying around space in this big skip-with-thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on this ship?? And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who's completely obsessed with my pants drawer! KRYTEN You mean I'm not alone..? Oh, I see. You mean me. Well, just as long as we understand one another! [Exit KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Ohhh, *god*. Welcome to hell... [-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT present] LISTER Look at these... Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had one for every pair of his shoes. Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree, Weden-shoetree... CAT What the hell for? LISTER So they all spent the same ammount of time in his shoes. CAT Tsh. What a smeg head... LISTER Oh, he had lots of funny little habits. But now that he's gone, I can see them for what they were... CAT Cretinous. LISTER No... they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer... speecial. He was unique. CAT Yeah... irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was the human equivalent of a visible pantie line! Well, we may as well start somewhere. These can go! LISTER No, no, you can't throw *them* out. They're from when me and Rimmer played gold on Traga XVI. We had a lot of fun. CAT You had *fun* with Rimmer?? [DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback] [-- x - Ext. Planetscape ------------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER present] KRYTEN I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs. It *is* a very small planetoid. Er, taking into consideration the thin-ness of atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3. <RIMMER takes shot, ball flies off into the distance> KRYTEN Oh, good *shot*, sir! LISTER Heyyy, watch this - watch and weep... <LISTER takes shot, ball shoots space-ward> LISTER Ohh, smeg! KRYTEN Ooh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir. RIMMER Tough luck, Listy - I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones! [Exit RIMMER] LISTER Look at him, in the right boots he could be marchin' into Poland. <LISTER and KRYTEN walk a short distance> LISTER 'Eyy, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it? KRYTEN It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir. LISTER Well, no point botherin' him about it, Krytie, let's go. [-- x - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------------] [LISTER present, sat with feet up, watching RIMMER searching planetoid surface on a monitor] RIMMER It must be here, somewhere! I've been 'round the planetoid twice! LISTER No ball, no bet, man - keep lookin'. [DISSOLVE: out of flashback] [-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT present] LISTER Memories like that are just too precious to throw away... [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Hello there, sir, how's it going? CAT We're getting nowhere, bud. He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them. LISTER You don't know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days. Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we found. [DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback] [-- x - Int. Red Dwarf locker-room --------------------------------------] RIMMER I don't trust you, Lister... this game's rigged. Every time we play it, you win. Last time, you got a 30 carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was one Wellington boot and a box of one hundred assorted tampons that glow in the dark. Right, well I'll go first this time. LISTER Okay. RIMMER No, you can go first... LISTER Okay, I'll have sixty-eight. RIMMER Ah-a-a-a-a. *I'll* have sixty-eight. LISTER Fine... RIMMER Er - you can have it. LISTER Why?? RIMMER I know that you chose *that* one because you think that I think that you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless. Ahhhhhhh, I'm not gonna fall for that one, Listy. You can have it. LISTER To smart for me, man... <breaks open locker> LISTER 'Eyy, a gold necklace; a bundle of cash; and 'eyyy, a nude wrestlin' video! "Baked bean bombshells Volume 12". RIMMER Right! Well I'll have... *that* one. Number fifty-eight. LISTER Okay... <LISTER breaks the lock, and RIMMER steps forward as it is opened. He is blasted by a gout of flame which bursts out of the opened door. As a hologram, he is untouched by the flame but is left stunned when it clears> RIMMER What the hell was that?? <LISTER peers into the locker> LISTER There's a note... "People who break into lockers deserve everything they get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball". Sounds like they know you. [DISSOLVE: out of flashback] [-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present] LISTER See what I mean? We had fun, it was great. We had *fun*. KRYTEN I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir... [-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [LISTER present] [Enter RIMMER, still dressed in Ace's flightsuit] <LISTER hears movement but doesn't turn around> LISTER About time, Cat, you're late. Now, where've you been? RIMMER Hello, Listy. LISTER Rimmer..? Smeggin' 'ell! What're you doin' 'ere? RIMMER I got fed up with adventuring... you know what it's like: you save a couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit... samey. I thought I'd come and find the old team. LISTER It's good to see you. Are you real? RIMMER I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram. LISTER So... where've you been? RIMMER Argon 5. I fought in the Belugosian War; I was decorated, and used as a Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for the whole winter. Nahh, I'm only kidding. LISTER Kiddin'? What do you know about kidding? RIMMER I just thought it was time I livened up a bit! <RIMMER unexpectedly toots a party blower> RIMMER Hey hey! <RIMMER's sobriety returns> RIMMER So, er, how about you? How's it going? LISTER Ahh, y'know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space. RIMMER I, erm, I hear you've got a new crewmember? LISTER Yeah, Kochanski. RIMMER What's she like? LISTER She's okay, y'know? RIMMER Is she... as good as me? LISTER Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps. directive... <They share a laugh> RIMMER She's pretty attractive though, isn't she? LISTER Is she? I hadn't really noticed. She's the type you don't really notice. When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't notice it? Mm, she's like that. RIMMER So, she's... not as attractive as me, then? LISTER Don't be daft... she couldn't hold a candle to you, man. RIMMER Nah, you're just saying that. LISTER I'm not. I missed you, man. RIMMER And I've missed you too, Listy. LISTER Ohh, Arnold, man... RIMMER Dave... <LISTER rushes out of his seat and the two of them embrace fiercely> LISTER Don't ever leave us again! RIMMER I won't! LISTER You promise? RIMMER Ohh, Listy... LISTER Ohh, Rimsy... <Their faces inches apart, LISTER and RIMMER succumb to feelings beyond either of their control - slowly, but surely, their lips join in a kiss> [The instant their mouths lock, cut to...] [-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------] [LISTER present, lying in bed] LISTER Yaaaaarrrggh!! <LISTER starts himself awake so violently he tumbles out of his bunk onto the floor> LISTER Aaargh! Get off! Get off!! <He rubs his tongue violently with the palm of his hand> LISTER Ohh, just a dream... thank god for that! It was just a dream... [-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, KRYTEN present] KRYTEN And another thing she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer; have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort out? CAT You mean, you've seen her pants?? [-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER present] LISTER You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff like *that*. Kissin' Rimmer..? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the communal latrine at Reading festival! KRYTEN I'm sure this will help, sir, I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk... <KRYTEN pops open his abdominal disk and inserts what looks like a CD> KRYTEN Now, just relax... <A piercing german voice blasts out - KRYTEN fumbles to stop the noise> LISTER What the hell??? KRYTEN Sorry, sir! Wrong disk - that was my German language course; an extract from Hitler's Nuremburg speech. Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right way... I'll just go and find the proper one. [Exit KRYTEN] [Enter KOCHANSKI] LISTER What are you doin' in here? KOCHANSKI Just looking for something to erase the memory of everything I've ever experienced... Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it. LISTER Listen, for what it's worth - I'm sorry you missed getting back to your Dave. 'The hologrammatic hunk'. KOCHANSKI That's okay; I'm sure there'll be another chance for you to cock it up again. LISTER Suppose you must be missin' him? KOCHANSKI Yeah, I am a bit. LISTER I know what it's like to miss someone. The way they talk, the way they laugh - KOCHANSKI Heh, I know. LISTER The way their nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot Street station. KOCHANSKI N-no, you've lost me there... So you're missing Rimmer?? LISTER Had a dream about him, but he was different. All smiles and jokes and... stuff. KOCHANSKI I thought you guys didn't get on? LISTER We didn't, that's what's so weird! His tidiness drove me crazy, the way he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he only ever used three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to polish. KOCHANSKI Did he have *any* redeeming features? LISTER No. Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room. KOCHANSKI So, how come Rimmer came to be around, anyway? LISTER Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad! KOCHANSKI So, now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying to help you? LISTER If he was trying to help me, why didn't he... lighten up a bit? Be happy? KOCHANSKI Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane? But when he appeared in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer. A Rimmer who didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection. LISTER You're saying I had him all wrong? KOCHANSKI Wasn't your *fault*... you had to hate him, it was what kept you going. LISTER I didn't know... <LISTER takes KOCHANSKI's offered handkerchief and blows his nose loudly> LISTER You know what I should do? I should throw everything away, and make a new start. [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Ahh - sorry Miss Kochanski, ma'am, this *is* the medical bay, for *sick* people only; surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants rash? KOCHANSKI Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a mechanoid's rectal cavity? KRYTEN Not off hand, ma'am, but I could research it? KOCHANSKI I'd start right now if I were you... [Exit KOCHANSKI] KRYTEN Okay, sir, now... just relax... LISTER It's all right, Kryten. I've talked things through with Kochanski, I'm feeling a lot better. KRYTEN Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it. Turn my back for five minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you! LISTER She was only trying to help... KRYTEN It's not the help I mind, sir, it's the fact that she succeeded! <KRYTEN takes the handkerchief and blows his own nose every bit as loudly> [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI present] LISTER Okay guys! I know declare games night officially open. Seeing as Kris is with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game - and as you're a bit sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve dropping trousers and lighting stuff. CAT Well that takes care of most of the repertoire! Where's Kryten?? LISTER I dunno, he should be here. Okay Kris? Name your game... KOCHANSKI All right! I choose... 'The Magic Flute'! LISTER What's that? Sort of 'Musical Chairs'? KOCHANSKI No, it's an opera... 'Magic Flute'? Okay, we each hum a section of an aria, and the others have to guess which character is singing. CAT That's a game? LISTER It's more like medieval torture... KOCHANSKI No, it's really good, 'cos, you can, like, throw each other off the scent! Once, Dave - my Dave - he sang The Birdcatcher's Song in the *German* translation, and it was *hilarious*! We all, like, totally fell about! LISTER You fell about? KOCHANSKI Yeah! LISTER What, were you going through a meteor storm? KOCHANSKI So what games do you play, then? 'Match the Bodypart to the Crewmember'? CAT I always love that one! KOCHANSKI 'Armpit Name That Tune'? 'Guess Whose Bottie is Sticking Through a Hole in the Curtain'? CAT Shall I add that one to the slate, bud? <LISTER nods approvingly> [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Games night is cancelled; if you'll all kindly follow me to the AR suite, I have something - I think - might amuse... [Exit ALL] [-- x - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------] [ALL present] KRYTEN I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble... [-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------] [ALL present, seated two-abreast in a simulation of a roller-coaster car. There is no discernable scenery, other than a large set of fairground- styled double-doors just ahead of their car. Lightbulbs flash gaily over the doors, upon which is stencilled "The Rimmer Experience"] KRYTEN It's a museum to Mr Rimmer's memory; I made it myself. If anyone finds they are missing him, they can relive those great moments - it's all in there: the man, the memories, the personality. CAT The ego... KRYTEN Yes - I had to scale that down quite a bit. LISTER How did you compile all the exhibits? KRYTEN Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr Rimmer's diaries; he kept meticulous records of life on board ship. Enjoy! <Their care starts moving with a cranking noise and they pass through the doors> [Viewpoint cuts to a point further down the featureless track] <Their car jerks to a halt, and as it does so a large image of RIMMERS's face fades into being to one side of them> RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER Welcome, to the Rimmer Experience. A place of wonder, excitement, and... wonder. You are about to witness some heroic events, which you may well find impossible to attribute to any living person; but then, Arnold J. Rimmer was a deeply remarkable man... <Their car is jerked forward once more, and the narration continues> RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer had to dice with death on a daily basis. LISTER What?? RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew together: <The car lurches to a halt, and a short 'play' unfolds in front of their eyes> RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN Asteroid belt up ahead, sir. RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken fragments of a dying star which have compressed together under enormous pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments. RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN You're quite right, sir, as usual. How could I have made such an elementary mistake? As usual. RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT It's at times like these that I get really scared! RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet m' keks! LISTER That never happenned! I swear that never happenned! <With a jolt, the car rattles further along the dark track> LISTER I feel sick! KRYTEN I'm sorry, sir, it *is* a bit bumpy. LISTER Nah, it's what I'm *seeing* that's making me sick! <The car stops once more, throwing its passangers against their restraining lap bars. Another 'playlet' takes shape> RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER So you see, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirt with the cavalry- twill trousers, you can be dignified *and* fashionable at the same time. CAT Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill? What does he think I am? A woodwork teacher? RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT Say, Rimmer's a really great guy, isn't he! I don't know what we'd do without him! RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER I owe my life to him! LISTER Get me out of here! KRYTEN Wait a minute; here comes the best bit... <Lurching forward, their car takes them on a true roller-coaster ride; up, down and around, while around them a truly bizzare set of imagery begins to take shape, and, to a jolly tune, a distingushed voice begins to spill forth the following lyrics> RIMMER EXPERIENCE If you're in trouble he will save the day, He's brave and he's fearless come what may, Without him the mission would go astray... He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, Without him life would be much grimmer, He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer, He will never need a Zimmer. He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, More reliable than a garden strimmer, He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner, He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer. Master of the wit and the repartee, His command of Space Directives is uncanny, How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me... Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, He's also a fantastic swimmer, And if you play your cards right, then he just might come 'round for dinner. [-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------] [The music and images fade, and we find ourselves at the other side of 'The Rimmer Experience'. A second set of double-doors mark the exit, and these crash open to disgorge the evil-minded roller-coaster car, which jerks to a violent halt just outside the doors] [ALL present] LISTER I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded smegger in my entire life! KRYTEN Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out! [----------------------------- END OF "BLUE" ------------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@matrixcity.org". Thanks.]</p>