|RED DWARF - SERIES 7|
|EPISODE 4 -- DUCT
Including "Xtended" footage
9-13 February, 1997
Last updated: 30 November, 1997
Credits for corrections:
Sea, Martin Guy, Annette McIntosh & the original script
[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in
<LISTER glances at the digital thermometer beside him>
92 degrees... god!
<LISTER takes a glass from a shelf above him before realizing it is empty>
I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get
I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor...
This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the question.
No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and get to sleep.
<He gets up. Exit LISTER>
[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring
at a set of pipes fixed to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in
One more time, and you get *this*. D'you hear?? Don't think I don't mean it! One more time, just - one more.
<The pipes suddenly issue forth such a hideous, unearthly screech it could almost be believed that some kind of immense alien monster is dying within them. Like a striking cobra, KOCHANSKI smashes her spanner into the offending ironwork, sending three loud 'clang's reverberating throughout the ship>
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you?? How many times have I told you? Right, what was the last one?
<KOCHANSKI sits up and takes a notebook from a nearby shelf. She flicks through the pages and consults the latest entries>
'Nurieek'. So the next one will be a 'rotut', and the one after that will be a 'hernunger'.
<She checks her watch>
Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds --
<Another unholy scream bursts out of the pipes; Kochanski answers with a stinging crack of the spanner>
<A third death throe is howled out>
No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nurieek', 'rotut', 'hernunger' - what's wrong with you??
<KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes once more with her spanner. Another three 'clang's rattle Starbug>
If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?
<Unfazed, the pipe-monster howls out its defiance>
'Sqweloookle'?? Where does 'sqweloookle' come from?? He's new!
[LISTER present. He stands in a shower cubicle,
shrouded by steam which clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]
Phew, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.
<LISTER steps over to a fridge, opens it and takes out a freshly chilled pillow. Clutching it to his chest, he smiles beatifically and heads back to bed>
[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed,
she has taken a pair of woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over an ear,
holding them in place with a hair band. Sliding back into bed, she lies back
down, and takes up her spanner for comfort]
Okayyy... right, right.
I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like - I can't hear a damn thing.
<Mockingly, the Beast Of The Pipes screeches out just how wrong she is. In a hitherto unknown state of purest rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes, clangs bouncing around Starbug until the camera cuts away...>
[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------] [LISTER present, back in bed] <Head on his chilled pillow, LISTER still can't get comfortable. He twists and writhes for a moment before easing up and bashing the pillow with his fist to plump it. Throwing his head down, he finds the pillow still not right, and punches it a few more times. Still unhappy with the result and by now quite frustrated, he pounds the pillow several more times as the camera cuts away...> [-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN present. He sits at the scanner table, darning clothes] [Enter KOCHANSKI, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed's blanket] KRYTEN <quietly> Oh my goodness. It's Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am. <Seeing him speak, KOCHANSKI removes her makeshift ear-mufflers> KOCHANSKI What? KRYTEN <brightly> It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up? KOCHANSKI Looking for someone to kill - care to volunteer? KRYTEN Oh, can't sleep? KOCHANSKI Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nurieek'ing and 'rotut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they 'sqweloookle'! <Sounding closer and closer to hysteria as she crossed to the galley, KOCHANSKI comes to a halt by the work-top and bashes her spanner a few times against its inoffensive surface> KOCHANSKI It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!! KRYTEN It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich. <Perhaps reminded of food, KOCHANSKI bends and opens the fridge> KOCHANSKI Look at this. This is a boys fridge. Women would never have fridges like this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen! KRYTEN What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate? [KOCHANSKI pads back into the mid-section] KOCHANSKI I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!" [KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table] I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always hated showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll say?? KRYTEN Erm, you hate showers? KOCHANSKI You see! Even you know and you hardly know me! I need a bath. I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need... cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in. KRYTEN Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll find some supplies. [KOCHANSKI's face begins to crumple with despair] KOCHANSKI I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it'd be tough in Deep Space... I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of clothes, and pipes that 'sqweloookle' when they should 'nurieek'! <Sobbing now, KOCHANSKI pauses to take a shuddering gulp of air> KOCHANSKI I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried learning what 'off-side' was. KRYTEN Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er, I'm not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing. <KRYTEN straightens up and muted beeps issue from somewhere about his person> KRYTEN Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now. <KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI to her feet and spins her to face away from him, wraps his arms about her waiste and unceremoniously delivers a sharp squeeze> KOCHANSKI *gag* What are you doing!? Get off me! KRYTEN The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying. <KRYTEN gives another squeeze> KOCHANSKI The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot! KRYTEN No, I think you're wrong, ma'am. <KOCHANSKI shakes herself free of KRYTEN's grip> KOCHANSKI <coughing> I'm not wrong! You've just got a corrupted file in your database! KRYTEN Well, then... why have you stopped crying? KOCHANSKI Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off! KRYTEN But, you're not crying, though. KOCHANSKI Well, no. KRYTEN So, it worked? KOCHANSKI Nooo! It didn't work! It just - oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up! <Flopping back into her seat, KOCHANSKI lets her head fall onto the table and lets out a despairing sigh> KOCHANSKI Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry... KRYTEN <indignantly> Oh ma'am! That is *not* true! No one has ever done that! KOCHANSKI That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it from me, that laundry room will be packed! KRYTEN I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A great, great disservice! [-- 7 - Int. Starbug laundry room -----------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing machines] CAT Wow - this is the best load yet! LISTER Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten. CAT Yeah, yeah, yeah... LISTER I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by women's underwear spin drying. CAT My god, a g-string! LISTER Where? CAT You missed it... I swear! It was black and really, really small. LISTER I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic. CAT Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to the washing machine company. LISTER Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of order, do you know that? CAT Since when did you get so mature? LISTER Mature? I've been mature for ages, me. CAT Oh yeah? LISTER Yeah. CAT You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that! LISTER Go and stick an egg up your nose. CAT It's true. LISTER Isn't true. CAT It is. LISTER It isn't! CAT Is! LISTER Isn't! CAT Is! LISTER Isn't! CAT Is! LISTER Isn't! CAT LISTER Is! Isn't! Is! Isn't! Is! Isn't! [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about? LISTER About me being really mature. KRYTEN i've been looking all over for you, sir. Why aren't you in bed? LISTER The heating system's gone bonkers. Why, what's up? KRYTEN Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir. She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts. LISTER What's the problem? <KRYTEN turns to a washing machine, stops the programme and begins unloading its contents> KRYTEN It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir. LISTER We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'. KRYTEN Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything. Not being able to have a bath, no cottage cheese, no -- <KRYTEN's voice cuts off abruptly as he pulls Kochanski's red PVC uniform from the washing machine. From collar to trouser tip, it now measures roughly ten inches> KRYTEN <aghast> The thermostat! <As KRYTEN fumbles with the machine's control panel and surveys the damage to Kochanski's outfit, CAT and LISTER both ease into a standing position and stealthily creep away> [Exit LISTER, CAT] KRYTEN I swear I set the correct programme! Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who -- <Turning back, KRYTEN suddenly finds himself alone, and very, very guilty> [-- 8 - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------] [KOCHANSKI present. She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without looking at what she's doing] [Enter LISTER] LISTER Hi. <Not turning, KOCHANSKI utters a vague sound from behind a peach slice> LISTER How're you settling in? KOCHANSKI <slowly, and with great care> Great. Having a ball. LISTER We'll get you some more clothes... KOCHANSKI Don't worry - I can wander around in a sheet for the next fifty years, I'll be fine. LISTER And we'll fix those pipes. KOCHANSKI <eyelids twitching> If you could just make them go 'nurieek' every time without any 'sqweloookles', I'd be so grateful. LISTER We'll stop them completely. KOCHANSKI I'm not used to this; not having stuff. When I was fifteen my brother, Moose, used to kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom. He knew that if I didn't look good I wouldn't go out. If i don't look good, I don't feel good. LISTER How do you feel now? <KOCHANSKI tries to force a hand through her matted hair and lets out a little whimper> LISTER Don't answer that. KOCHANSKI I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow - LISTER Yeah, the Gorbals, you said. KOCHANSKI Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting, with perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can't even have a bath... LISTER Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you. [-- 9 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ------------------------------------] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up much of the floor space in front of his bunk] LISTER You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours. <He indicates the strange unit> LISTER I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water. KOCHANSKI I don't know what to say... LISTER And I, erm... found this on that derelict... <LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands it to KOCHANSKI> LISTER I was savin' it for your birthday. There's some make-up in there, too. <KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which she gazes wondrously> [Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit] KRYTEN I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low! <Suddenly spotting KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN whips the wreck behind his back> KRYTEN Oh! Ma'am. Ha-ha. Didn't spot you, there. LISTER Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten. KRYTEN [beat] In, your quarters, sir? LISTER Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath. KRYTEN In here? Without clothes on? LISTER Well, convention dictates probably, yeah. [SHOT: KRYTEN's worried face] [ZOOM to KRYTEN's face then right eye] [Iris TRANSITION to: ] [-- 10 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck ------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN sees himself talking to his long-time and now besuited friend LISTER, whose arm is linked with KOCHANSKI. She wears the red dress just given to her by LISTER, and both seem to be smiling just a little too much] LISTER Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better all 'round if you leave. KRYTEN Er, sir? LISTER As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember? KOCHANSKI We got you this leaving present... KRYTEN A key-ring - LISTER With a 'C' on it. KOCHANSKI For 'Kryten'! KRYTEN But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'... KOCHANSKI Ohh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag. <LISTER and KOCHANSKI user KRYTEN out> [-- 11 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck airlock-----------------------------------] [Enter KRYTEN, followed by the happy couple. KRYTEN stamps morosely towards camera] LISTER You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set about getting rid of all your mates. The Cat's next. KOCHANSKI I've been packing his bag for over three weeks! LISTER See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs. KOCHANSKI And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny shaped head. LISTER You're not human, are you, you're a robot. KOCHANSKI Yeah! LISTER/KOCHANSI <grinning together> Eeeugh! LISTER <pointing> Oh hi! You're early, come in! [Enter two Kinitawowi GELFs] KOCHANSKI Great to see you! <LISTER and KOCHANSKI exchange two yuppie 'non-kisses' with the GELFs, and all four sidle out. KRYTEN is left staring after them, not even worth the time to be shown to the airlock> [DISSOLVE to...] [-- 12 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] [SHOT: KRYTEN's startled face] KRYTEN [undirected] I've just seen the future! <Abruptly, KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI's shrunken uniform from behind his back and holds it up as evidence> KRYTEN I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am. You only have one left, now. <LISTER snatches the uniform and throws it onto the bed> KOCHANSKI Did he? Never mind. KRYTEN Aren't you mad? KOCHANSKI I'm too tired to be mad... I just want to have my bath, and get some sleep. KRYTEN <offended> Right. I'll be going then. *Going*. After all these years, I'll be *going*. LISTER Are you all right, Kryts? KRYTEN Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a 'C' on it! Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'! [Exit KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI What's eating him? LISTER I dunno - I'll find out later. KOCHANSKI Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it. LISTER Heyy, no bother. KOCHANSKI See you in the morning. LISTER That's right. Well, I'll be going then? KOCHANSKI Yeah. 'Night. LISTER Right, I'll... I'll go... KOCHANSKI Yeah. LISTER Yeah. KOCHANSKI See you tomorrow. LISTER Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything, don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds. KOCHANSKI I won't. LISTER Right then. KOCHANSKI 'Night. LISTER 'Night. Goodnight. <LISTER turns and at last passes through the hatchway. No sooner is he out of sight than a muted explosion suddenly shakes the transport vessel and the cabin lights extinguish> [Enter LISTER] KOCHANSKI What was that?? LISTER Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere... <Lighting his torch, LISTER and KOCHANSKI head out into the corridor> [-- 13 - Int. Starbug; Corridor outside LISTER's Quarters -----------------] [Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI] CAT What the hell's happenin'? KRYTEN The generator's down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in. [As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come back up] KRYTEN Ah, thank goodness. <The Dwarfers trail back into LISTER's quarters> [-- 14 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------] [Enter ALL] KRYTEN I'll look into it immediately, sir! <Before they can move a screeching noise fills the air. For the second time in as many minutes the interior lights all die> LISTER There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead. CAT How come the doors closed? LISTER When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce hull integrity. CAT So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too? KRYTEN Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful! CAT You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with absolutely zero expertise at the helm? KOCHANSKI No change there, then. LISTER We've got to re-fire the backup generator. KRYTEN The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts. CAT The what? KRYTEN Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir. LISTER How long's that gonna take? KRYTEN Oh, six hours, maybe more? LISTER Six hours?? KRYTEN Are you okay, sir? LISTER Fine, yeah. <cough> Yep, yep. Yep. KOCHANSKI The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours. KRYTEN We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game. [-- 15 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------] [Time has passed. A sheet has been hastily draped across the bunk recess to allow KOCHANSKI space to get dressed. She pulls away the sheet and is shown wearing her new dress, over which is a pair of thick canvas work pants] KOCHANSKI Okay, let's go. <The Dwarfer's cross to the shower cubicle and begin to hoist themselves up into the ducts> [-- 16 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, rectangular corridors; about five feet wide by four high. Passage through the ducts is possible only by crawling] <ALL enter> CAT It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a sauna with a fat man on your face! LISTER I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in! KRYTEN Are you okay, sir? LISTER I need to take a break - I need air! KOCHANSKI He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know? LISTER I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle somewhere... Can't breathe... KRYTEN Have a drink, sir. KOCHANSKI Okay, take a look around - see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere. KRYTEN Let's go. [Exit KRYTEN, CAT] LISTER M' throat's closin'... chokin'... KOCHANSKI Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind off it. <KOCHANSKI pauses as they both lean side-by-side against the duct wall> KOCHANSKI I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic? LISTER Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'. Now is not a good time to tell me how great your boyfriend is, okay? KOCHANSKI He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really. LISTER What? KOCHANSKI No, we were just good friends. LISTER No, but you said -- KOCHANSKI I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I asked him to play along. LISTER You weren't going out with him? KOCHANSKI He wasn't my type. LISTER But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn picky! Why wasn't he your type? KOCHANSKI He was gay. LISTER You see? Picky. Everythin's got has to be absolutely perfect before you're int -- What did you say?? KOCHANSKI He was gay. LISTER Gay? KOCHANSKI Yes. LISTER Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension? KOCHANSKI Yes. LISTER Me? KOCHANSKI That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out. LISTER Wait a minute... you don't think... now *hang on*, I'm completely straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache for starters - ask anyone, it just grows in little clumps... KOCHANSKI Dave, shut up... LISTER I'm just sayin' -- KOCHANSKI I really miss him. He was great. <LISTER makes a disparaging noise> KOCHANSKI Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he'd just hold me. Made me feel everything was okay. LISTER Mmm? Well, actually... No! What am I thinking of?? I am *not* gay! KOCHANSKI There's no need to make such a big deal about it! LISTER But I am not! KOCHANSKI Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends. LISTER Yeah, so did I. KOCHANSKI Yeah? LISTER Yeah! KOCHANSKI Real friends, that you were really close to? LISTER Yeah! KOCHANSKI Name one. LISTER Okay, what about... Bent Bob? KOCHANSKI 'Bent Bob'..?? LISTER Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering. KOCHANSKI That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey Bent Bob! How's it going, mate?" LISTER It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only used it behind his back. Used to b one of the poker school; nice bloke. KOCHANSKI And he was one of your really good friends, was he? LISTER All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends. KOCHANSKI Yes you have - you just haven't known they were. LISTER Like who? KOCHANSKI Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter. LISTER Toddhunter? KOCHANSKI Yeah. LISTER But he was married. KOCHANSKI So? LISTER He had kids! KOCHANSKI <laughing> So? LISTER He used to fool around, slept with women! KOCHANSKI That doesn't mean anything - LISTER Yes it does! [beat] Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it? You just made it all up to take my mind off being stuck in 'ere! You're not really a sad loser after all, are you? [beat] God, I found that really attractive, as well. Made me feel all kind of superior and macho. Not that I don't *usually* feel macho, because I do. KOCHANSKI Here, have another drink - heteroboy. LISTER So, your Dave... he isn't, is he? <KOCHANSKI says nothing, but wrinkles her face and gives her head a little shake> LISTER Ahhhh, smeg! [Enter CAT, KRYTEN] KRYTEN We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops down into a supply room. We can't get through to unscrew the fastening bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck. KOCHANSKI Will you be okay? CAT Leave him to me. LISTER I'll be okay. [Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI] <CAT turns himself around in the cramped space and sits beside LISTER. He glances around for a moment, obviously bored, while LISTER practices breathing exercises to keep calm. CAT takes a swig from the canteen> CAT Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ee! I tell you, if I was dead you most certainly could not swing me around in here! LISTER Cat... CAT Talk about cooped up! LISTER Cat! CAT Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right? LISTER Right. <CAT is silent for a few moments, aware he should be diverting LISTER's attention but at a loss for something to say> CAT So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it because you're kind of sissy? <LISTER rolls his eyes in incredulity and tries to put a stop to the discussion> LISTER Sissy. CAT Yeah?? LISTER Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please? <CAT takes another drink, and a further thought occurs> CAT So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the walls were -- <LISTER cuts him off with a strangled cry> LISTER I don't always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can't get out. Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar. CAT But how come you get it at all, though? LISTER <sigh> I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley- parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four... She was 22; come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m' trolleys. <sigh> We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time -- CAT She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like that... LISTER No... She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus. After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this wooden packing crate; it was 'im! He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned, dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the lightbulb. He was havin' none of that. He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal - he drove me out there! I was *screamin'* at him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, "just let me out!" In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out, bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"... CAT Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out! [-- 17 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these revelations, working at the access grill] KRYTEN I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it? KOCHANSKI Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about. KRYTEN He's told me about everything else about his life... KOCHANSKI Not everything, Kryten. KRYTEN <indignantly> Absolutely, ma'am! KOCHANSKI [beat] Everything? KRYTEN Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. 'Cheese slice snap' can only entertain for so long. KOCHANSKI So... what did he tell you about me? KRYTEN Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single detail. KOCHANSKI You mean, he told you - about the rusty gate? KRYTEN Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We all had a good laugh about that! <KOCHANSKI's eyes widen> KOCHANSKI He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when I'm making love?? He told you that?? KRYTEN No, he - told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped fix it. KOCHANSKI And that gave you a big laugh? KRYTEN Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were glad of the anecdote. KOCHANSKI <hideously embarrassed> S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay. I never said that. KRYTEN Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll laugh till you're sick!'. KOCHANSKI Look, wig-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past. KRYTEN In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts? KOCHANSKI Well, it's because -- KRYTEN It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the salty goodness! KOCHANSKI [beat] That's his problem; I'm accounted for. KRYTEN What about the way you look at him? KOCHANSKI <indignant> What way? KRYTEN I've seen the way! KOCHANSKI *What way*? KRYTEN Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! KOCHANSKI <aghast> How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never! [beat] Have I?? [-- 18 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT present] <CAT suddenly cocks his head as if listening intently> CAT What's that? LISTER What's what? CAT Can't you hear it yet? Like a... roaring noise... LISTER A roaring noise? CAT Like a... watery kind of roaring noise... LISTER I can't hear a thing. CAT It's like water roaring down, say... a passageway. In a kind of roaring, watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is! <LISTER suddenly looks along the ductway that KRYTEN and KOCHENSKI took> CAT Hey, where're you goin'? LISTER Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water! <LISTER turns back to CAT> LISTER Every four hours the ductways get backwashed! CAT You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem. LISTER Come on! <LISTER scrabbles off down the ductway, as CAT begins putting their things back into his bag> CAT I ain't goin' wit' you! LISTER Why not?? CAT That's where the water's coming from. LISTER Shit! <LISTER about-face's and scrambles past CAT> [Exit LISTER] CAT You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that? <CAT shoulders the bag> [Exit CAT] [-- 19 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] <If LISTER hears CAT's comment he gives no indication, perhaps understandable given that he's already put an admirable distance in the opposite direction between himself and CAT. There is no escaping the inevitable, however, and within seconds, thousands of gallons of re-cycled water roars and foams its way down the ductways. LISTER ducks into a side passage, then realising he's alone, darts back out, grabs the wayward CAT and drags him into the passage with him, just as the thundering torrent rages by> LISTER <voice almost lost in the noise> I hate this, I really hate this! [-- 20 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, LISTER present. The bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off duo crawl though a different section of ducts] <Cat pauses, listening> CAT What's that? LISTER What's what? CAT That noise... LISTER Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise? CAT No, not *that* noise. This is a different kind of noise. LISTER <scowling> Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's fist' kind of noise..? CAT It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, *hurricaney* kind of noise! LISTER A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise?? [beat] The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash! CAT Here it comes... <The roar of the dryers build until the duct is filled with gusting, shrieking wind. LISTER and CAT cast around desperately for a handhold, both grasping an overhead grating and are then lifted off their feet, hanging precariously in what has now become a wind-tunnel.> [-- 21 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] <CAT loses his grip and tumbles down along the duct, LISTER lasting only a moment longer before he too is whipped away to roll after CAT. Both of them tumble a short distance before piling up against the wall of a junction in the ducts> [-- 22 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT present, both tangled up in a heap by the duct wall] LISTER <disentangling himself> I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!! [-- 23 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present, the Dwarfers have managed to find themselves and are enjoying the temporary moment of calm. All except LISTER perhaps, who is finding that the lack of activity has brought back his claustrophobia. KRYTEN fusses beside him, holding a hypo-gun] KRYTEN This should help, sir; take away the rising panic. LISTER What is it? KRYTEN There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemolacalcathryte. * [*pr. "Lemo-plathenamine-cathorolite"!] <KRYTEN applies the hypo-gun to LISTER's neck and empties a round into a vein> KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI> Well done, ma'am. [-- 24 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present. After trekking for some time through the endless series of service ducts, the quartet take a break in a larger section of corridor.] KRYTEN Well, everything considered, we made good time. CAT What if we're down here for days and end up having to eat each other like those dudes from that plane crash? KRYTEN Those were exceptional circumstances sir. Their only other choice was airline food. It won't happen to us. KOCHANSKI Good, because there's no way I could ever eat a person. KRYTEN No way I could ever cook one either. Not without my slow cooker. CAT What about drinking your own urine? KRYTEN Well that's absolutely out of the question; you should *never* serve urine with white meat! LISTER I hate the dark. It reminds me of being back in the orphanage school. The dorm was always pitch black. The tight sods didn't allow so much as night lights, just to save electricity. I remember one night, the lights went out, and as usual "Squeaky" Gibson's bed started up - 'squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak'. We all picked up our shoes and threw them at him: "Shut up, Gibson! We're tryin' to sleep!" Anyway, we all settled back down, and after a while, his bedsprings started up again - 'squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak'. More shoes, football boots, trainers, everythin'! But there was no stoppin' him! Just got faster and faster... 'Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak- squeak-squeak'! So I got up, snapped on the light, and there, under a mountain of shoes, was poor ol' Squeaky havin' an epileptic fit! I managed to wedge one of my trainers into his mouth. Probably saved his life. KOCHANSKI Cyberschool was so different. We'd arriveon the first day of term, put on our total immersion suits and get connected to the mainframe - and, suddenly, there we'd be, in a perfect replica of a girls' boarding school. We had Miss Brody for English, Mr Chips for maths, for history they brought in Disreali and Ghengiz Khan, for literature they let us talk to Shakespeare and Dickens... CAT Can't wait to hear what they did in sex education class... KOCHANSKI At eighteen when I finally got out, I kind of went off the rails... KRYTEN How 'off the rails'? KOCHANSI There are the rails. There's me. KRYTEN That's *way* off the rails. LISTER So... what did you do? KOCHANSKI Oh, you name it. LISTER No, *you* name it. what did you do? KOCHANSKI Well... LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI <laugh> What, you want me to write you a list? LISTER Yeah. KOCHANSKI Okay, I, er... Well, I, I smoked cigarettes, sometimes. I wore skirts that were quite short. I went to the library and was really noisy... LISTER Really. KOCHANSKI No. Not really. I was in the real life for the first time! No protectors... I went *insane*... LISTER Really..? KOCHANSKI Yeah... I was a retro-punk... ALL Wow! KRYTEN They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realising the whole universe does not revolve around you. CAT Sure doesn't! It revolves around me. KOCHANSKI Absolutely. CAT I'm serious! Look at the evidence. LISTER What evidence? CAT Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste. Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me! LISTER You and you alone... CAT And here's the clincher: all of the interesting things that ever happenned to me, happenned when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here..! [-- 25 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present. The quartet crawl back-breakingly though yet more featureless service ducts] KOCHANSKI According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now. CAT Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break! LISTER Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in? It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it? KRYTEN Ma'am - that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which direction was it in? KOCHANSKI Dead ahead. KRYTEN <panicking> Oh! Anything else in the vacinity? KOCHANSKI To the west there is a sun, but that's about it. KRYTEN I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial impact of the generators going down - I think we're heading straight into that sun! And it's all my fault! LISTER Kryten, man, it's not your fault... KRYTEN It is! LISTER It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded. KRYTEN I did it on purpose... I typed in the override code, on the access panel in the corridor. LISTER *What*?? KRYTEN I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!! LISTER Kryten, man, what made you do it?? KRYTEN I really can't remember... CAT What do you mean, you 'can't remember'? KRYTEN I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly... KOCHANSKI Say it... KRYTEN I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am. Well, I knew it would be one of those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before we know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having GELFs around to dinner. And what would happen to me?? I'd have been on my own again! KOCHANSKI Oh, *Kryten*! KRYTEN I - was - just - so - *scared*! LISTER Come on - we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here! KRYTEN But we're not going to make it, sir! <LISTER has started tugging at one of the metal plates walling the ductway> LISTER <sliding off the panel> Yes we are! KOCHANSKI How? LISTER We're gonna catch some surf! [-- 26 - Int. Starbug ductway ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present. The Dwarfers are sat, two-abreast, upon the salvaged metal plate] LISTER Okay, here it comes... CAT Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'? LISTER Just get into position! Here it -- <A roaring tide of water bursts out of the duct behind them and sends their makeshift surfboard careering down the metal duct> ALL AAAARRRRGGHH! The Dwarfers, caught in the path of this liquid avalanche, are swept out of control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks. Pressed up against the grating, the Dwarfers can do nothing but let the last of the water blast past them> [-- 27 - Int. Supply room -------------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, all sopping wet] LISTER Oh! Thank god we made it! <LISTER takes in his surroundings and realises they are not where they are supposed to be> LISTER Oh God!! <As KRYTEN begins studying their map, a clatter issues from the wardrobe unit a little way into the room and everyone snaps their eyes to it. The door slides open and, somehow, Cat stumbles out. He glances around, puzzled, but there are more important things to worry about. Everyone looks at KRYTEN and the map> KOCHANSKI How? *How*?? KRYTEN I - er - I - ah - er... <KRYTEN, examining the map, rotates it 180 degrees> KRYTEN Oh. KOCHANSKI Oh, that's it. We're fried. Unless someone's got some really *terrific* sunblock cream. KRYTEN Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override. [KRYTEN walks over to the door on the other side of the small room] KRYTEN In case... <KRYTEN presses on the control panel and the doors whir open> KRYTEN <whining> Anything happened... CAT You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God knows where and back for absolutely no reason?? LISTER It was all pointless? You put me through that *nightmare* when we could just walk out that door at any moment?? KRYTEN <in tears> Mm. LISTER Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do - but we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron... [Exit LISTER, CAT] KOCHANSKI [brightly] Well, 'night. KRYTEN Aren't you mad too, ma'am? <KOCHANSKI shakes her head and smiles sweetly> KRYTEN You're not, are you. <She shakes her head> KRYTEN I think I understand: For you, the trek through the ducts was far from pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable insights into your crewmates. This was your 'rites of passage'; you feel enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never thought possible. Am I right? <While KRYTEN was pretentiously expounding theories, KOCHANSKI has surreptitiously armed herself with her trusty pipe-bashing spanner> KOCHANSKI Say - 'nurieek'. KRYTEN 'Nurieek'. <KOCHANSKI whips out the spanner and raps KRYTEN smartly over the head> KRYTEN Oof. KOCHANSKI Say 'rotut'. KRYTEN 'Rotut'. <Again the spanner flies, resulting in a satisfying 'clang' of metal against metal> KRYTEN Ooh. KOCHANSKI Say 'hernunger'. KRYTEN Er, 'hernunger'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Nurieek'. KRYTEN 'Nurieek'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Rotut'. KRYTEN 'Rotut'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Hernunger'. KRYTEN 'Hernunger'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Sqweloookal'. KRYTEN 'Sqweloookal'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Rotut'. KRYTEN Oohh! 'Rotut'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Nurieek'. KRYTEN Ooh! 'Nurieek'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Hernunger'. KRYTEN 'Hernunger'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Sqweloookal'. KRYTEN 'Sqweloookal'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Nurieek'! KRYTEN 'Nurieek'. <Clang> [Sound and picture begin to fade] KOCHANSKI 'Rotut'! KRYTEN 'Rotut'. <Clang> KOCHANSKI 'Hernunger'! [--------------------------- END OF "DUCT SOUP" ---------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "email@example.com". Thanks.]